TOOT TROUBLES GONE IN THIN AIR WITH TRAPPER

As those of you readers who cannot shake unpleasant memories will no doubt recall, our previous column dealt with a certain nagging social problem that occasionally afflicts virtually all of us, probably including even Meryl Streep.

Yes, we were discussing the sensitive topic of intestinal gas, a topic that arose when we received in the mail the book “Wind Breaks” by Terry Bolin and Rosemary Stanton. This book contains an abundance of sound scientific information about flatulence, but also includes such vital features as a list of euphemisms and slang terms for gas-related episodes. (My favorite from this list was “trouser cough.”)

I know many people are uncomfortable talking about this perfectly normal bodily phenomenon, but as a responsible journalist I feel that, faced with such issues of universal concern, to be silent is deadly. Also, I’m not the sort of person to raise an issue like this and just leave it hanging in the air, so to speak.

You see, we also received recently in the mail (admit it, you never get great stuff like this in your mail, do you? This is why it’s so much fun to work for a newspaper) an advertisement for a product that claims to bring relief for those who suffer from excessive gas, or at least relief for those who suffer from the sufferers.

This product is called the “Toot Trapper.” Basically, it’s a seat cushion that contains an activated-carbon foam air filter. You put it on your chair, and it’s supposed to absorb any aromas you emit. Something like those Odor Eaters things you put in your shoes. An anti-whoopee cushion, if you will.

“This same air filtration technology is used by the space shuttle program to protect the air breathed by our astronauts,” the ad copy states.

It was a great relief to read that. I’d always worried about what would happen up there, in those cramped space vehicles, if one of the astronauts began to, you know, offend. (“Dang it, Deke, have you been eating that freeze-dried boiled cabbage again?”)

I called up UltraTech, which is in Houston, and talked to its president, Wayne Story. He said they’ve sold about 1,500 Toot Trappers since they went on the market last October, many of them to repeat buyers. The cushions have an effective life of six to 12 months, he said, and some people have bought a complete set for home, car and office.

The Toot Trapper may be used discreetly, Story said. “You don’t have to tell what it is. It looks like a normal cushion.”

Still, he said, some buyers are a bit self-conscious.

“Most of the time, they say it is a gift for someone else. About half of the time you believe it. About 70 percent of the orders are from ladies, who’ll say it’s for their husbands or boyfriends.

Story said UltraTech also is trying to come up with a Toot Trapper for dogs (“we’ve got a lot of requests for that”), and a portable model (“a pad-type device to put inside your underwear. Say, for when you’re standing up and giving a speech”).

Of course, I cannot personally vouch for the effectiveness of the Toot Trapper. I had thought about conducting some Consumer Reports-type testing, wherein I would get a Toot Trapper for my chair at the office, consume a major quantity of bean burritos, then have several of the reporters in my office gather around me the next day to monitor the air quality. Curiously, no one seems willing to volunteer. The commitment to investigative journalism just isn’t what it used to be.

But if you think you’d like to try one, the Toot Trapper costs $39.95 and is available by calling UltraTech at 1-800-316-TOOT. I might wind up getting one for my tough cousin Rocco, up in New Jersey. He has such a problem that – well, you really don’t want to know.

Suffice to say that, when you’re driving through north Jersey on the New Jersey Turnpike, that smell you thought was coming from the oil refineries …

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